Dear Princess Darby,

I have been in a relationship for 5 years now. When I first connected with this woman she never told me she was married. She proposed to me 6 weeks after we met and I said yes.

She told me shortly after that she was married to a man for 20 years,but it was a marriage of convenience. And that she married him so he could get imigration.

He gave her a van and a couple pregancies. Her son is 19 now. She says she will get a divorce when she gets the money.

It's a scarey thing getting legally separated from him. I just dont know how much longer I should wait. I feel like I'm playing house with her.

Then I found out from her that "she's waiting to get survior benefits from him if he dies", sort of a saftey net to her. She told me none of her other gf minded her being married.

She says she would die without me and wants us to get back together again. We live apart now. I can't let this game go on. I have caught her in several lies.

But now here's the thing, I don't really want to marry her anymore, I did at one time, but we been living apart for almost one year and a half. I broke it off, but we call everyday and write and see each other every now and then.

I can't make love to someone I'm not in a committed to and in a relationship. I feel I have a better chance meeting someone who I might have a committment with if im not talking to her anymore.

She is cocky about it and can't understand why I want to to be free. I don't want to be with someone who does'nt care enough to put their money where there mouth is!

What do you think, how should I smoke the truth out of this woman? She has pursued me, not I her. Please help, I'm still in love with her but deny myself being with her so I can get over her.

She sends me expensive gifts and money, but lately I have been saying no and not answering her calls. I have tried going out lately but can't seem to want to meet anyone else because even after a year and a half, I'm still in love with her. What should I do?

Linda



Dear Linda,

I know if I’m confused by your letter, I know you definitely don’t have a handle on your relationship…or who your lover actually is.

Forget you have had a relationship for the last 5 years with this person. Forget all that has happened between the two of you. Bottom line, she is still married to her husband, and has been for the last 20 years! The lady has a 19 year old son, is a mother, and has taken marriage vows for better or worse. And, no matter how you paint the picture, she still prefers to live in her current situation rather than make any change.

Excuses are easy to make. Lies change with every move of the mouth. It’s easy to give lip service, but hard to actually deliver… even if you want to! Of course the investment of her time, energy, and emotions have been in her family…her husband and child.

5 years is large chunk of time from someone’s life. Possibly from her position it’s been a minimal hardship, you don’t really know. And, I’m being kind. Why do wish to “smoke” the truth from this person when she has lied from the start? Have you thought of where the expensive gifts and money are from?

I think it’s evident since she’s unwilling to discontinue the sham of her marriage, and hasn’t made a move to change; it is because she may feel that she is entitled to the financial gains from his estate. Do you think that this is a very selfish and a morbid reason to stay with someone you want to leave?

You have to make the decision to live a happy and good life. To share it with someone who loves, respects you, and promotes a positive nurturing environment for your relationship and home.

What you have now, is it truly love or dependency? Look up the word love. I think it means to have a deep feeling of devotion, passion, without selfishness or meanness. Love is not black or white. It’s the colors of giving, tears, joy, respect, selflessness, disappointment, and reconciliation.

How do you paint your picture Linda? Think about it. You may wish to start your painting on fresh canvas with softer brushes and stronger strokes.

Please let me know how you are. Its fall and the seasons are changing; I hope all your changes are the best for you.

Princess Darby