I don’t even need to ask if that sex life of yours has had some exciting moments. We gay men bend, twist, and jump into swings in the pursuit of happiness. There comes a time though in your relationship when things get a little routine, hell, there’s even moments when the idea of doing yourself seems routine. What then comes to mind when you think of spicing up your and your man’s sex life? Sex toy shopping of course. Despite our varying comfort levels when it comes to adult retail stores, the majority of us have crept in at one time. I remember, Like I’m sure many others do, turning 18 and blushfully entering the trashiest one in town with your boys or high school hag. I do admit because of my youth and ignorance I have only ventured in with a group to giggle and glare awkwardly at the assortment of rubber concoctions that border lined from phallic to just plain weird shaped. My curiosity has grown though, could I be missing out? Has sex really gotten this boring that I need to dress up like a cop and cock slap my guy with a 12 inch dildo? Sadly yes, yes it has. Well, lucky for me Valentines Day is right around the corner. Adult shops around V-day have the traffic likes of Field’s on Christmas. On days approaching Feb. 14th I’d be confident to lift my head high and sift through spangly jock straps like every other happy, tax paying citizen in boystown. In a neighborhood that generally promotes sex and doing it in any way possible there’s a lot of places for a boy to find a sex toy. I decided to head to polar opposite adult stores Cupid’s Treasures and Leather Sport conviently located right next door to each other. What did I find? A crazy variety of to make anyone’s night snap, crackle, and pop.

My first stop on the love train was Cupid’s Treasures. The incredibly unsexy window display sported a largely obese mannequin donning Ginch Gonch undies, I knew if this guy could pull off the hot stuff I maybe still had a chance. I was immediately greeted warmly at the door by an equally lovely staff. No scraggly creep at the desk staring at your every bend over, like back home. It was casual, set up more like the hallmark store with the cards and trinkets in the front and the larger goodies in the back. I spent little time in the front, the penis faucet mugs just didn’t interest me; I was a serious shopper on a mission! I moved into the middle room where I found scads of jockstraps and such in every kind of netted, spangled, and rubber version you could think of. As much a leopard print onesie excites me, the barely there underwear starts at a whopping $24.95, for that price I’d rather trim my Calvin’s into a thong and glue on sequins. I would suggest though the tug friendly baskit underwear they carry, less expensive, less loud, totally durable. I also fancied the Ginch Gonch label they carry, they’re boyish patterns you haven’t sported since the ninja turtle undie days, though they are hard to pull off if you happen to be over 30 or an obese mannequin.

I then casually made my way to the backroom where I bumped into a very wide assortment of porn star inspired dildos, me oh my! From Colt to Rascal, I even found my crush Johnny Hazzard and his member for only $52.95. Well shucks, right next to ol’ Johnny was his pal Eddie Stone for $46.95. How do they determine the pricing? Status? Mass? Well regardless pricing those boys 6 bucks apart in my opinion is catfight waiting to happen.

Anyway, I eventually drifted into the self masturbators (never thought I’d say that.) What an elaborate way to get off I thought to myself as I checked out the jelly fish looking contraptions. Parted fingers over my eyes, I scanned the racks passing over the wide selection of prosthetic vaginas looking for anything that resembled a man booty. The only gay appealing product with an eye catching box seemed to be Cyber Skin’s Handy Andy ($39.95), why does it always cost more to be a bottom?! Andy did look quite handy, I suppose someone could even have Mr. Andy and Mr. Hazzard over at the same time for a hot threesome.

Moving on from the plastic wear I walked toward the fun accessories like the bondage inspired ankle cuffs by Rascal Video ($38.95). Could you really get a lifetime use out of them? Not really, but they’re well made, aesthetically pleasing, and lord knows you already have the token matching handcuffs. Also on the list of “when am I really going to this” is Universal's Sex Swing Stand ($279.95). In-between the times you’re ballsy or unapologetically slutty enough to have it out you can stash it in the closet next to that compact grocery cart you bought with good intentions but never use. You really never know when you’re current relationship is going to hit an all time dull and you can spice it up by telling your dude “did, I mention I own an high-end sex swing?”

Moving on to Leather Sport, where I hit two birds with one stone and did my IML wish list. If Cupid’s was my getaway to all that sparkles and vibrates then Leather Sport was supplying the kink. Entering the store I was welcomed by a very different staff and a few more things that made me blush. Chaps, spanking, and anal beads, oh my, we’re not in plushy sex toy land anymore, Toto. I thought I’d work myself in slowly with the rough stuff so I begin with the leather wear. I immediately felt like a little kid playing dress up, and came to the realization you don’t have to be a hairy big bellied daddy to sport some leather. I throw on a few cop hats ($32.95) and imagined climbing on to the back of a lucky participant, all while toting a paddle or mini whip. I could do some serious role playing with this store. I will skip the vests though and the assless chaps for obvious 6 degrees to Christina Aguilera reasons, but I if the weather’s right I may snatch up a leather harness (from $55.95 up). My favorite L-sport picks ended up being the Boy Butter ($29.95 for a tub) and The Masters Sex Sling ($59.95) by Sportsheets, which I couldn’t help but chuckle at. Unmistakably made for lazy bottoms by a power bottom, the sex sling offers soft Velcro cuffs attached with cords to the ankles which keep those legs high for hours, there’s even a built in neck pillow.

Leaving Leather Sport I felt a sudden urge to wear a chunky black boot or maybe even lick an armpit, thus ending my little tour de fornication. This year is going to host the best Valentine's Day ever, even if I do end up alone in chocolate flavored underwear playing light sabers with my new monstrous dildo. My gut tells me though when this article comes out, the guys are gonna want to know, “where’s the sex swing at?” Let the emails come.

Photos by: Frank Failing, Male Image Photos