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The holiday season is here. ‘Tis the season for the ubiquitous Thanksgiving/religious observance/New Years trilogy. It doesn’t matter what holiday you observe--Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanza, festivus--the holiday season can be an excruciating ordeal for anyone, particularly difficult for the young, pre-outed homosexual.

I’m referring to the millions of young homos who DREAD the thought of leaving the comfort zone of their urban social circle and returning to their suburban/rural hometowns to spend the holidays with their family.  Now, one may think “why would anyone dread a season that is supposed to be about peace, love and understanding?” Peace, love and understanding, sure, but it’s also a holiday tradition to return home and be with your biological family.

And not always is our biological family comfortable with (or even aware of) our sexual orientation.  For many young gays, the majority of the year is spent surrounded by other young, urban homosexuals, and the stereotypical concept of “family” may over time appear a little trite.  Spending time with one’s biological family during the holidays may be something the young gay feels they have lost touch with, or outgrown.  After all, the first Christmas was celebrated by a young heterosexual couple after a poor, young woman’s water broke in what was basically the garage of a motel 6--something which many heterosexuals couples may have encountered on a trip back home, but something that I personally could never, ever begin to relate to.  To this day, Christians commemorate the scene in a nativity crèche that includes the figures of a newborn baby, a loving father and a bewildered virgin mother.  I’m pretty sure there were no homosexuals involved, unless you count a few lonely shepherds.

Even more unsettling for the young homosexual is the unspoken curse that hangs about closeted homosexuals at all family gatherings, made worse by the family orientation of the holidays.  You know what I am talking about--every one of us has been through it at some point in our pre-outed days.  It’s a bit like wearing a scarlet letter “H” (for Homo), smack dab in the center of your expensive cashmere sweater (flannel shirt if you’re a lesbian).  There you sit, alone by the tree, or at the dinner table surrounded by your brothers, sisters and their heterosexual significant others.  The unspoken question seems to loom thick in the air, “why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I remember the agony of my pre-outed Christmases at my parent’s house when my nosy sister-in-law would annually ask (always in a room chock full of equally nosy relatives), “So, Bob, do you have a girlfriend yet?” The room would always fall silent immediately afterwards.  The enquiring faces of my heterosexual relatives would press toward me, each one a question mark punctuating the end of her sentence.  Year after year, I would attend Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas Eve gift exchanges under the guise of “being single, and liking it.” Each year, the façade getting cheaper, the lie sounding more hollow.  And I endured that inevitable question that always popped up with embarrassment and dread.  Finally, one Christmas, I fought back with the sharpest tool in a gay man’s repertoire--the witty quip.  With impeccable comedic timing and precision, I answered my childless sister-in-law’s “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?” fully in earshot of my parents, with a “So, are you pregnant yet?” A successful ruse, laughter quickly entailed, and my sister-in-law never asked me again.  Not that it really mattered, I was out to her well before the next holiday season.

The third reason that holidays are so difficult for the young homosexual is the dilemma of coming out to their family during a holiday gathering.  For many young gays, the holiday season may be the only time throughout the year that they have the time to see their families.  I waited a year and a half, after I had already come out to my brothers and sister, to come out to my parents, not because I was unprepared to tell them, but because the only time I saw my family was during a holiday celebration of some sort.  I simply did not have the heart to drop my little bombshell on my parents during the already stressful holiday season.  All homosexuals have heard the same gay urban legend about the young homo sitting with his family around a turkey-laden table, enjoying the warmth of good food, and then emboldened by a cup (or two) or Christmas cheer, saying out loud, “Mom, please pass the potatoes, and by the way, I’m gay!” Homos have been ruining dessert for their families for centuries--not the way I wanted to come out.

But as those who do come out to their families during the holiday season and receive a less-than-thrilling reaction from their family will learn, over time, it may not be the end of the world.  I know so many gay friends who, after coming out to their family, were in tears simply because they did not get the reaction they wanted.  But with time, and a lot of patience, their family members became used to their lifestyle.  Many even eventually extended invitations to their family celebrations to significant others.  My best friend, whom I have known since he was 17, came out to his divorced mother while celebrating Christmas with her when he was 20 years old.  His mother’s reaction was, “I’m not surprised, but I am very disappointed.” My friend was devastated--it was not the most endearing statement made from a mother to a son, but not really surprising either.  She went on to tell him, however, that she still loved him no matter what.  Having come out to my family several years before, I told my upset friend that “I know it’s hard to hear, but see it from her perspective.  She is from a small Midwestern town, has had no contact whatsoever with homosexuality (or with any minority for that matter) and she was being very honest with you.  Her disappointment will fade in time, but anger and hate tend to stay.  She said that she still loves you and that is what you need to focus on.” A year later, my friend was back in central Illinois for Christmas; this time spending a week with his father and brother.  During part of that week he drove up to Chicago to spend two days with me.  His father (who did not yet know of his sexual orientation) was giving him a hard time about not spending the whole week with his family at home.  Confused as to what to do, he called his mother who now lived in Florida.  My best friend was utterly delighted to hear her say “You tell your father that Bob is just as much a part of your family as your flesh and blood brother.  Spend time with your father and brother, and spend time with Bob.  He is just as important to you and part of your family.”

She was absolutely right! That little lesson about homosexuality coming from a small town straight mother meant quite a bit to me.  Of course, my biological family is important to me, but so are my gay friends.  They both complement different parts of me, and I consider both of them family.  Aren’t the holidays supposed to be spent with family? We, as homosexuals living in a heterosexual world, can consider ourselves doubly blessed--heterosexuals have their family thrust upon them by birth, for better or for worse--while homosexuals get to choose their second family by love.  It is as equally important to me to spend time with my gay family in Chicago as it is to spend time with my biological family in downstate Illinois, they both know and accept me for who I am, and they both bring a unique perspective to my concept of family.  Sometimes the two families may celebrate together, sometimes it is just better that they celebrate apart, but no matter what stage you are in the coming out process, no matter the differences, no matter the lifestyle, if there is love, the holidays can be a truly magical and blessed time to surround yourself with family--both of them.

by: Bobby Z.
Article originally published on Qchicago.com in December 2002.


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