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by Jared Lytner
Filed under: Comedy, Drag
Wed. September 16, 2009

FLYING THE TRENDY SKIES

Pam Ann Flies into Chicago, by Jared Lytner

Fasten your seat belt, stow your designer luggage and prepare for the flight of your life. The super glamorous air-hostess with-the-mostest, Pam Ann, is bringing her one-woman comedy show to Chicago’s Harris Theatre. Boystown will never be the same.

Q: What's the first thing you plan to do when you touch down in Chicago?

Pam: I can’t wait to cozy up the boys in East Lakeview and follow it up with some shoplifting at the Gay Mart. I’m also going to let my air hostess hair down and work my way through the back rooms of Krave and Circuit Nightclub and then to Charlie’s for some martinis, then a drag show at Baton Show Lounge. If I’m still conscious, I’d like to dance the night away at Cell Block.

Q: Will this be your first time to Chicago?

Pam: Yes! The one time I landed in Chicago, I was en route to Harpo Studios. I had to fly on Oprah’s private jet. What a shit box! They strapped my luggage to the roof of the plane. The check-in girl asked my weight. I told her I’d rather ditch the jet in the ocean than admit my weight!

Q: How will you infuse glamour back into the air?

Pam: On Pam Ann Airlines, we serve caviar out of ice swan sculptures. We have a smoking section on board which is located up the spiral staircase by the open bar. F those federal aviation regulations that ban smoking!

Q: Is it true you crewed the new AirForce One?

Pam: Michelle hired me to help her redecorate the cabin. Can you believe there were still stains on the seats from the Clinton era?

Q: Please tell us about your experience aboard Elton John's private jet?

Pam: The plane was packed with celebs. I piled them all with champagne and then went through their Hermes man bags.

Q: Was Victoria Beckham a handful?

Pam: I must say Victoria isn’t a good flyer. I was concerned the skinny bitch was going to get sucked through the crack of the door so I nailed her hands to the armrests.

Q: Are you a member of the mile high club, Pam Ann?

Pam: I founded the Mile High Club with Bob Marley back in 1975! He said to me ‘No woman, no cry’ then he wrote a song about it.

Q: Have you ever had to slap a passenger?

Pam: Once a coach passenger asked me for a glass of water! I bitch slapped her and turned the heat up in the coach section to teach them their place in the world.

Q: With all of the different carriers available today, why should Chicago gay men fly Pam Ann Airlines?

Pam: Haven’t you heard? Our on board beauty therapists not only give you free in flight massages, we now offer complimentary happy endings.

Pam Ann performs Chicago’s Harris Theatre (205 East Randolph St) on Sunday, October 11th at 7pm. Tickets available at www.pamann-live.com and at box office: 312-334-7777.

PAM ANN’S TOP FIVE GAY TRAVEL TIPS

1. Gays must only travel with designer luggage and a lot of it.

2. A spray tan and a mankini is a must for flights to Mykonos, Greece.

3. Be sure to upgrade your iPod with Whitney’s latest album.

4. Pack good hardcore porn and some musicals.

5. Don’t forget your Mardi Gras beads.