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Paperback
Publisher: Alyson Books
The author of the best-selling 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives turns his attention to the burning question of love. "There are few books for gay men on not only what to look for in Mr. Right but how to become Mr. Right. My book will address both. It is not just about finding him, it is what you do after you find him," says author Joe Kort. A certified Imago Relationship Therapist, Kort has employed the ideas put forth by Imago founder Harville Hendrix to transform the lives and relationships of the countless gay couples he has worked with in 20 years of private practice. In "Your Sexual Shadow," one of his new book's 10 life-altering chapters, Kort unveils a surprising and groundbreaking idea that explores how decoding sexual fantasies can often unlock the mystery to what gay men are looking for in a partner and why. This will be particularly elucidating to men who have been conditioned to believe their sexual fantasies are an obstacle to long-term relationships. How can the secret logic of "dark" sexual desires help you find Mr. Right? "So many of my clients say they have to get better before they find Mr. Right," reports Kort. "I think that is often a reason to avoid relationships and simply not true." His new book is a practical guide to set gay men on the path to true love today. Joe Kort is a therapist in private practice since 1985, specializing in gay-affirmative psychotherapy as well as Imago Relationship Therapy, which is a specific program involving communication exercises designed for couples to enhance their relationship and for singles to learn relationship skills. His first book, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, was a national gay and lesbian bestseller.
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| Helpful and Useful |
| Customer Rating: 5 out of 5 |
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I found this book very useful, both for myself and in practice. The language is straightforward and easy to understand, so it can be useful for people who don't have a background in psychology or other helping professions. The book has offered insight into my relationships and ways to work on future ones. I liked the examples as concrete and real people who have dealt with these issues. Of course not all of the examples are going to end well though. Some needed to move on as Mr. Kort pointed out.
I would recommend this book to any gay man who has ever been in or wants to be in a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise.
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| over-written and too academic |
| Customer Rating: 1 out of 5 |
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I think this is a terrible book! I'm not a self-help junky but my idea of a good book on this topic would be concise and clear, without the academic jargon, footnotes, and social-worker-speak. More of a conversation than a master's thesis. I also found the archetypes to be condescending and reductive. Really turned me off. Reading all these negative real-life stories mixed with very few positive ones was a downer, too. Mainly though, the writing style was awfully dense and used so many ten dollar words where simplicity would have been much more effective. Kort just couldn't hold my interest.
I gave him one star for effort, and because he means well.
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| Every newly out guy should have this book |
| Customer Rating: 4 out of 5 |
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Yes, this book deals a lot with baggage issues, but it will help you work through your issues and get a better understanding of why gay men flake out etc. This is a great 'intro to being gay' book. Although I've been out for a few years, I'd still recommend it to anyone who wants to better themselves for a relationship.
Another valuable piece of info herein is the 3 stages of a relationship, which is important if you have one or get one and treasure it enough to make it work. Joe tells the stories of numerous clients to make his points, so that keeps it interesting. I'm very much not a reader, but I highly recommend this book!
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| Excellent book |
| Customer Rating: 5 out of 5 |
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I've been doing workshops for a men's group here in New York and this book as well as Mr. Kort's previous text have been excellent resources. Not only the scenarios but the root causes of why men develop as they do in relationship to their sexuality are excellent. The referencing to Erik Erikson and Harville Hendrix (tests I also utilize) as well as the specific application of the tomes to activities and insights is stellar. What surprise dme most about the book was how it balanced accessible language and yet was able to present enough psychological/psychiatric/therapeutic language/technique for the lay person to understand. A lot of the "why's" about men and sexuality and actions and integrity or lack thereof was answered. One of the things I constantly do in my groups now is remind the men how they were socialized as boys, how it was enforced/beaten out of them not to portray their sexuality or sexual thoughts/interests and how this indoctrination carries over and manifests itself in adult life. You can literally watch the lightbulbs of enlightenment go off in the heads of the men as they start to link simple things like sit still, don't flounce, don't sigh, don't cry, don't whine, don't, don't don't---in order to be masculine/a "man" to being what caused a lot of confusion. What happens to someone who's identity is constantly challenged, taunted, corrected---they adopt an identity that is pleasing to the masses, however they are then thrust into a society where the two identites--one false and one repressed are incongruous and therefore enter into a lifestyle that has very few mature standards/practices.
Suddenly men make sense!
I've already gone on to Mr. kort's site and plan on finding a way to travel across the country to attend his workshops and I have made both of his books a staple in my workshops and college level classes. If you're stuck in bad dates, bad relationships, unhappy with your lifestyle's results, confused about what to do now that you've declared a sexuality, this book is key in helping the normal person "feel normal" abotu their identity. One day this and perhaps half a dozen books will be prescribed in schools around teh country to not simply help men (and women) figure out this nebulous/variable area of sexuality (sexual orientation and sexual behaviour two entire different things) to the point of identity satisfaction. My only criticism of the book would be that it had another 200 pages in it that could've been created to outline more couples/individuals to illustrate a variety of issues. Ok, that would make it easier for me to break it down for others and teach but the intellectual density of this book made me want to have some parts that were snippets and could be used outside of the larger chapters.
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